Every year we follow traditions. We dress up on the 31st. We mash sweet potatoes. We frost cookies.

But one of my favorite traditions involves throwing small, plastic, golden apples directly into our Christmas tree.

My family has completed this tradition every year for as long as I remember. I have absolutely no idea how this tradition started, because as far as I can tell, no one else on the planet does this. As far as I can tell, no one in my family has a significant reason why this is done or what this represents. It’s entirely meaningless.

After stringing lights and garland, hanging ornaments and tinsel, and even after topping the tree with the star, each member of my family takes a turn throwing an apple into the Christmas tree. It’s affectionately called “The Apple Chucking Ceremony.”

Sometimes, the apple doesn’t stay. We might miss, or it might fall through the tree, bouncing on branches on the way down. Some years it takes 3 or 4 throws to get your apple to stay put. Sometimes Rachael pitches overhand. Sometimes Steven swishes it like a basketball player. Sometimes Vincy can’t find his apple after a toss. Every time, mom insists on filming, and we all groan.

“Don’t you guys ever break ornaments?” I get asked when I tell someone about this tradition.

“Oh yeah, all the time. Some years we break three or four. The glass shatter sound always makes us all freeze and then laugh. If we have a year where nothing breaks, we all cheer, but are secretly disappointed.”

“What if you break a fragile, special ornament?”

“That’s not really an issue, because we’ve already broken most of the fragile, special ornaments.”

She looked at me like I was crazy. Her tree had tons of delicate ornaments, some gifted to her by people no longer living. I’d wager she’d be in tears if she broke one of those ornaments.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some ornaments break that made my mom stop and go “oh no! That one was my grandma’s.” We spent some moments being sad that something nice or sentimental broke.

We had moments where something beautiful broke and it was such a shame.

We had so many moments of realizing how delicate and breakable so many things are.

But we had so, so many moments of presence and laughter and joy. My mom always told me the only way for people like us to really be ok is to live in the moment. Live in the now. Be present and mindful.

But around the holidays, this is really, really hard for me and the lack of moment living can make me so blue.

However, during the apple chucking ceremony, I can’t be anywhere but the moment I’m in. I am laughing and screaming and tossing. I am breaking ornaments and going “oh no!” before roaring laughter hits my ears.

You see, the moment is only there when any ornament might break and that’s going to have to be ok.

The lesson is only there when the splendid sound of glass shattering rings through the air.

Because everything in life shatters like a delicate ornament.

Nothing is permanent. Someday, everything I love will cease to exist. Every person I love will die, even people who were never supposed to die. Every place I love will eventually crumble or be bulldozed. Every beautiful, sentimental item, will break into pieces or worse, be forgotten. You can pretend it’s not true all you want… but it is.

Breaking is a fact of life.

We can gently and gingerly place our lives on the tree and growl at anyone who gets too close, or we can gather as a family and launch small, plastic, golden grenades into the Christmas tree. We can refuse to accept that things break, or we can say “oh no! That makes me sad!” and then decide that it just has to be ok and it was so worth all the fun.

Maybe I’m rambling. But I bet Matt would like it.

“Do you think we can find some golden apples for our tree?” I asked the man I’m marrying.

He said yes but asked if we should take off the delicate ornaments before chucking.

“We can. But I think it’s best when you leave them on and cross your fingers.”

How funny that this meaningless, borderline destructive, and crazy tradition brought me more comfort this year than any nativity scene, star on top, or Christmas carol ever could.
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For me... the hardest part of songwriting is...
DRUMROLL PLEASE!

...naming.

Naming songs is incredibly difficult! Writing? That's easy. Give me an instrument and/or a pen and I'll exhale melodies and strung-together phrases. 

Writing songs is like feeling emotions and I guess explaining them in multiple dimensions. And I can emotion. I can feel. I can dissect my heart and throw it all over a page. I can write forever - I'm a walking four page explanation.

But naming? That's hard. Taking all that emotion, melody, lyric, and magic and condensing it into a word or short phrase is like trying to pack a months worth of clothes into a backpack.

So when I ask my fans to help name a song at a show or in a video/blog post...I'm not joking.

Thanks to all the fans who've helped me name songs. And thanks to the fans who've enjoyed my songs even if the name isn't quite right.

-Brenna Lynn

Well here I am in Washington DC. I’ve got a few shows to play and long-distance boy to stay with for a few weeks. I was looking forward to my cozy weekend here in the capitol, seeing the guy I never get to see, walking through the Smithsonian Zoo Lights, enjoying hot coffee and sightseeing on a cold day.
....But my plans got cancelled.

Muffin had to stay at work for 12 hour days (14 with travel) all week. He was busy as hell and exhausted every day coming home. So I hardly got to see him all week. I kept my head up for the weekend though.

Until he got told that he had to work the Army-Navy game. He had to leave midday Friday and wouldn’t be back until late Saturday night. Did I mention he was scheduled to go in at 9pm on Sunday for a 12 hour night shift?
Gooooodbyeeeee weekend or any time with Brandon...
 
I was quite sad. Mainly because I had waited forever to see him again. Rearranged my schedule. Gave up my time home. All to be here. Only for him to not be.
Well….this is unfortunate.

My first thoughts were “WHY?!” and “NO” and “THIS ISN’T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!”

The next day I told my mom about how crappy the situation was. I told her how it was unfair. How this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
She said “Well. This is how it is. What are you going to do now?”
 
That really spoke to me. Who cares what’s “supposed to be.” There’s really no such thing as “supposed to be.” There’s only what is. There’s only now. We can plan and plan, but the truth is, you never know how it’s going to be until it is.

There’s an old joke that I really needed to hear: If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

Your plans don’t always happen the way they were “supposed to.”
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When it comes down to it, there’s only what is. Prep and plan for what you can, but stay flexible and ready to shift as needed. It’s ok to plan your life out, but do it in pencil. Don’t think about the future, the past, or what’s “supposed to be”

Just do what you can with now.

And so….
I quit thinking about what my weekend was “supposed to be” and took a look at what it was now. I got online and bought myself a bus ticket to Philadelphia and back. I left on Friday, visited an old friend I was dying to see anyway, got a fancy froo-froo happy hour drink, ate an awesome meal with old and new friends, went to a super fun Hannukkah party, saw Bran for some of the night, and got brunch the next day all before my bus ride back to DC.
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I navigated the city with success (more or less) and arrived at my show to play two awesome sets and make some more new friends.

Don’t be afraid to adjust your course. Never dwell on how things were “supposed to be.” All we’ve got is right now, so you best wake up and do the best you can with it.
​
When your castle crumbles, build a new one. If you spend your time being sad about how it was never supposed to crumble, you’ll never get anywhere. Try something different. Adjust your material. Change your strategy. Maybe decide to build something else. Change your location. Adjust your mindset.

Eventually you’re going to create something amazing.

Never be afraid to change directions. And that’s how I found myself in Philly.
 
       -BL

​Wow. Look what we did together.
Together, we raised $197 for Breast Cancer research! Thank you all so much for helping me!!

It was really fun posting these videos. But the truth is, it was also really ...scary.

Honestly, it's really scary to put myself out there. I’m a little nervous posting ALL of my videos. Especially with a small fan base, I really get scared that people are going to judge me. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, dare I say it, people from high school…I’m always scared people will think I’m craving attention, seeming fake, or being just plain weird. It’s hard being an artist sometimes because the whole world wants to judge you.

But this video series was particularly scary. What if no one contributes? What if after annoying all of my followers with posts all month long about a topic they might not care for, no one even donates. Then, I’ll have to get on camera and say, “Great job everyone! We raised 1 dollar and 72 cents!”

My cheeks burn red every day. I’m constantly embarrassed and worried that I’m a freak or a weirdo. But the truth is, I think this is what I’m stuck with. I’ve tried to not be me and to fit in. And you know what? I really don’t think I’m capable. It takes a lot of energy to stamp yourself out every day, and I just don’t have the stamina. I guess this weirdo-ness and obnoxious self is what I’m stuck with.

So I posted the videos. Even if it meant I might embarrass myself or look stupid.

Because gosh darn it…I just can’t help it. And screw it. I want to fight Breast Cancer. So if my only weapon is 1 dollar and 72 cents…I’m still rushing into battle wielding it.

And so I just did it.
And then…
I was overwhelmed by the people donating! I was shocked to see names I never would have guessed popping up on my venmo and paypal. I was shocked to see a name I didn’t even recognize. I was shocked by the kindness of human beings.

Sure, a lot of people probably rolled their eyes at my videos. But you know what? I know deep inside myself that I did something good, and I accomplished something scary. I didn’t back down despite intense fear of judgement. I want to encourage everyone I meet to do what they want to do and do what is right even if it’s a little scary. So I best strap myself in and live my own advice.

Sometimes, people will roll their eyes. But it’s worth it. Because sometimes, you raise nearly $200 for a cause you believe in.

Wow the past two weeks have been intense! On August 13th, I made the leap and moved to Nashville, TN, where I'll be finishing my degree and pursuing music. Check out my vlog on the move here:

There's a few other vlogs, some exciting and inspiring and others that are hilariously terrifying and hysterical. Make sure your subscribed to my YouTube channel and feel free to binge ! :D

I'm also excited to announce that my music video will be out this Friday, August 31, 2018! I can't wait to share it with you all. It's a low budget indie video of me performing 'No' with my loop pedal. As you know, this song covers heavy topics like consent and has that "back off, #nomeansno" mentality. I hope that came across in the video! And keep your eyes open for some bloopers soon to come!!

Lastly, this weekend I attended the CD Baby DIY Musician Conference! It was such an awesome experience - both educational and fun! My two favorite things!!! (haha sorry y'all I'm a nerd!)

Click the button to check out my vlog about the conference to get a glimpse of weekend ;)

A lot of people have asked me about what shows I’m playing this summer. I hate my answer.

“I don’t really have anything scheduled right now, I’ll keep you posted.”
 
My original plan was to play 8-15 summer shows after releasing my EP, Arrows, in April. I was pumped; I was hyped. I could take on anything. I had no limitation of dedication…I independently produced and promoted an album while working two jobs and being a full-time student. I am not afraid of hard work.

Unfortunately, life had other plans.

On the weekend my album was dropping, I had a total of 8 papers, projects, and presentations due. I was also incredibly swamped at work. Wait, it gets better…my boyfriend was also moving away for his new job…in Georgia…and because of the demands of his job, he had no chance of visiting me for at least the first 3 months.

My music life, my personal life, and my professional life were all at exploding at the exact same time. I hardly slept. How could I waste a moment of being with muffin when I didn’t know what the future held? I knew I couldn’t let my grades slip. And I had an album deadline to keep and a release party to plan. I got about 4 hours of sleep each night, or less, for about 3 weeks straight.

To add to that, with my boyfriend leaving, I had so many emotions filled with sadness, confusion, fear of the future, and the depression of change and letting go of an era of my life.

I’m happy to say I survived through to the end of my release week. But it took a heavy toll. I was still ready to rock and roll provided I had a little break…but that break never came.

The week after I released music, I had one particularly awful day. Let's just say my character was very attacked. I felt so defeated after that day, and I think it was the kick-start of the dark times that followed.

After being revved up so high in mental, emotional, and physical energy, it was a nosedive crash.

I never really got my spark back until probably late June. I was ok. But that was about it. Ok. No motivation, no happiness, no passion in anything I did. I normally have the struggle of wanting to do too many things, but for months I wanted to do nothing. My support system was spread out across the country and my world was bleak.

Planning a tour just didn’t happen. I couldn’t do it.

In late June, my brother motivated me to film some shots for a (very) low budget music video. That night marked the first time I felt passion, excitement, happiness, or any shred of a spark in months. Thank you Vincy, you really helped me and you didn’t even know it.

I am still in a strange place, but now I remember what passion tastes like. I have a few little projects on the horizon, ideas for the next album swirling, and some huge life announcements in the works.
 
Don’t count me out just yet. 

 ....And that track was a local artist and musician! Brianna Lynn!

I get this all the time. It’s BRENNA Lynn. Not Brianna Lynn, Briana Lynn, Brenda Lynn, Breena Lynn, Lin, Linn, Lynne, Lane…come on you’re not even trying at this point. Jenna but with a Br.

But hey…close enough. I’ll take it.

Plus….I was on the radio! Like the real, bona fide, terrestrial, broadcast radio! WJCU in Cleveland to be exact.
             How cool is that?!
​
They played one of my songs and the tunes got carried over the air waves directly to people’s cars. I wonder if I brightened anyone’s day! I wonder if anyone felt understood. I wonder if anyone car danced to my music.

Even if no one heard my song, and even if they pronounced my name wrong, this was pretty amazing.

It restored something in me that I think I was forgetting.

It seems like I spend so much time pushing on walls, trying to make something move. I work, push, sweat, and struggle, only to look up at the wall and see no difference. I was starting to feel a little stuck lately, between some general life depression, writer’s block, and music stagnation. Staring at walls and feeling pretty weak.

But then, my music got played on WJCU. I reached out to them over a month ago, along with a million other media outlets, never receiving a reply, never knowing they even read my email.

And here’s the kicker…
 I didn’t even hear the music played, my uncle did. If he didn’t call, I would have never known my music was played. I would have never realized that they put my music on the radio.

I wonder how often this phenomenon happens. Your work paying off behind the scenes when you don’t even notice. Things falling into place without your knowledge. Walls finally crumbling while you’re somewhere else.

How comforting.

Who knows what effects we have that we are totally unaware of? Who knows? Maybe I’ve touched strangers or did something for them without even noticing. I know there are people that have done simple, kind things that they probably have totally forgotten about by now that have resonated with me or saved me on a dark day. A caring classmate sliding a kind card on my desk, a Starbucks employee giving me a free drink, a cool kid in high school defending me, people with big smiles or warm laughs, silly people playing on college green on a very bad day, a singer singing just the right words at an open mic night.

The people I’m referencing have no clue how much they helped me. ...Maybe I’ve been that person before. Maybe you have, too.

So listen to me closely…don’t stop pushing on walls. It’s hard, unrewarding work. But you’ve got to keep doing it. Work for your dreams, even when it seems like all your hard work is for nothing. Keep being kind to people, even if no one ever seems to care or notice. Keep living loudly and beautifully ...you never know who you might’ve helped to feel a little more alive today.

Maybe they’ll never know your name. Maybe they will scream it someday. Maybe they’ll pronounce it wrong.

-Brenna Lynn

What. a. show.

For those of you just tuning in...I just released my first extended play (EP) last week! I've poured so much of myself into Arrows this past year, and I am SO happy that I finally get to share it with you all! It was tedious, tricky, expensive, confusing work.

Writing? That's easy for me. I can do it in my sleep (or rather...when I'm supposed to be sleeping..) But recording? engineering? producing? That is not my forte.

It is because of YOU that I kept going, despite setbacks, moments of defeat, and mountains in my way. It's because of you that I stayed up late instead of studying, trying to get this piece of myself out into the world. It is FOR you. 

I hope you find refuge in these songs and I hope they make you feel understood. 

Thank you to EVERYONE who came out to the party and supported me. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves at my favorite bar in Cleveland, the Map Room, while Talmadge and I serenaded you. I hope you found something you were looking for that night. I know I did.

   -BL


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p.s. miss the show? check out the shop page of my site, or find me on itunes/spotify/apple music/anywhere by searching "Brenna Lynn"
Thanks for keeping this show going.