Poorly Timed Depression

A lot of people have asked me about what shows I’m playing this summer. I hate my answer.

“I don’t really have anything scheduled right now, I’ll keep you posted.”
 
My original plan was to play 8-15 summer shows after releasing my EP, Arrows, in April. I was pumped; I was hyped. I could take on anything. I had no limitation of dedication…I independently produced and promoted an album while working two jobs and being a full-time student. I am not afraid of hard work.

Unfortunately, life had other plans.

On the weekend my album was dropping, I had a total of 8 papers, projects, and presentations due. I was also incredibly swamped at work. Wait, it gets better…my boyfriend was also moving away for his new job…in Georgia…and because of the demands of his job, he had no chance of visiting me for at least the first 3 months.

My music life, my personal life, and my professional life were all at exploding at the exact same time. I hardly slept. How could I waste a moment of being with muffin when I didn’t know what the future held? I knew I couldn’t let my grades slip. And I had an album deadline to keep and a release party to plan. I got about 4 hours of sleep each night, or less, for about 3 weeks straight.

To add to that, with my boyfriend leaving, I had so many emotions filled with sadness, confusion, fear of the future, and the depression of change and letting go of an era of my life.

I’m happy to say I survived through to the end of my release week. But it took a heavy toll. I was still ready to rock and roll provided I had a little break…but that break never came.

The week after I released music, I had one particularly awful day. Let's just say my character was very attacked. I felt so defeated after that day, and I think it was the kick-start of the dark times that followed.

After being revved up so high in mental, emotional, and physical energy, it was a nosedive crash.

I never really got my spark back until probably late June. I was ok. But that was about it. Ok. No motivation, no happiness, no passion in anything I did. I normally have the struggle of wanting to do too many things, but for months I wanted to do nothing. My support system was spread out across the country and my world was bleak.

Planning a tour just didn’t happen. I couldn’t do it.

In late June, my brother motivated me to film some shots for a (very) low budget music video. That night marked the first time I felt passion, excitement, happiness, or any shred of a spark in months. Thank you Vincy, you really helped me and you didn’t even know it.

I am still in a strange place, but now I remember what passion tastes like. I have a few little projects on the horizon, ideas for the next album swirling, and some huge life announcements in the works.
 
Don’t count me out just yet. 

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